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Tuesday, 16 December 2008

  • ugh

    i think im giving up on relationships. ive never had one where i was fucking happy all throughout OR even one where i didnt want to end it.

    i seriously cant stand it anymore.

    i see 13 year olds running around with their cute sweeties and im almost 16 and ive never been happy in a relationship. well only one. with my exgirlfriend kristine. sometimes i miss her just because of how happy she made me. which was almost 4 years ago.

    you know whats funny though? we barely ever kissed and barely even did anything but i was the happiest with her than ive ever been with anyone..

    i dont get why i just cant have someone who i just genuinely and truly like.

    my last relationship still makes me fucking break down everyday.

    it was with a dumbass and i let him get away with a lot of bullshit. but now im really mean to him and i just ruined everything. i screwed one of his relationships on purpose. im actually proud about that. cause it goes to show how much control i have over people. which is considerably ALOT. well at least now he knows not to ever fucking mess with me. EVER. its hilarious, everyone thinks they can mess around with me and i'll just do nothing. they're totally dead fuckijng wrong. i can ruin alot of people's lives. if i try.  and im proud of that trait about myself.

    but seriously it hurts me alot because i remember the memories.. him walking in hot topic, turning around and giving me a really adorable smile and that was the first time i ever saw him.. seeing his picture on stickam and going like OMFG HES SO CUTE I HAVE TO FIND HIM AND STALK HIM FOREVER. and remembering adding him and him iming me and telling me how he saw me at the mall. and how he talked to me a ton the first time i ever saw him. omg it made me so fucking happy. i try to tell myself that hes not who i thought he was and just forget him but its not working out. i think that was really who he was. i might be wrong, i dont care. i dont think im ever going to forget him. :/ i really hate it so much. i wish i could forget him completely.

    i wish i could go back 3 months.

    but i realized since i cant go back in time i might as well just make the best out of it.

    but he REALLY doesnt seem like the person i thought he was. ALL throughout our fucking relationship.. everytime i ever saw him at the mall he didnt talk to me. i only hung out with him once. now he doesnt even say hi anymore. im sick of how confusing he is.

    i just hope i find someone whos better than him. i know there should be alot of people. but the problem is, i dont know many guys who are into guys.

    i seriously hate my life more than anything right now. i dont like anything about it.

    i just want to go back in time and i wish i said no to that dumbass when he asked me out.

    people dont know that i feel so strongly about this because i hide it so much to look strong. but i end up looking like a cold-hearted bitch when all im really doing is trying not to get hurt. its not my fault i have so much control over people. it really isnt.

    ive been doing so much shit so i can forget the fucking bullshit ive been through. and its been working so far. but right now its getting to me. because i was looking through my old pictures and i saw a picture of kristine and me. i looked so happy. i started crying so hard i couldnt even stop. because i havent felt that happiness in so long but when i did i fucking wrecked it. :/ so yeah

    i decided to go out with this guy named joey so i could maybe get over my other ex but it didnt work out. he had so many traits that reminded me of my ex it made me fall apart. but yeah joey ended up being a shitty boyfriend. he was even worse than the other ex. whenever i saw him he wouldnt talk to me. he would barely say hi to me. so i was like wow whatever i dont deserve this and decided to be such a shitty boyfriend to him so he would break up with me. worked but i ended up wanting him back after a little while but then i stopped. fortunately.

    but i did some life-wrecking of my own with him :] broke his ex and him up cause he pissed me the fuck off. he told me that he wasnt ready to be in a relationship but then decided to go out with this random 6th grader. so i was like wow im gonna do something about this.

    and i know it hurt him :]

    and i dont care.

    im a cold-hearted bitch.

Thursday, 20 November 2008



  •  hm i was trying to post several times before but xanga kept going crazy on me and refusing to connect whenever i posted a weblog.

     well, ALOT has happened since the last time i posted. im not even exaggerating, kiddos o_O well anyways to start.. you know that kid who i liked? well it was a guy. no, actually i love him. he really liked me back when he started talking to me at the mall. seriously, it was SOOOOO cute! the way he smiled and everything when he talked to me made me melt. i didnt show it but i seriously melted everytime he smiled. and now we're going out!!! i have a hard time believing it, really. but its soo great. and im so happy we're going out. he also is the sweetest kid i have ever met. he comments my myspace with really cute comments like "you complete me" oh my god could he get any cuter? ahh i seriously feel like the luckiest kid. EVER.
     cause people dont have their crushes come at them just that easily. but i did? thats great. amazing. ahh!

     oh and also last friday i went to virginia instead of the mall. HORRIBLE FUCKING IDEA seriously. because everyone was horrible to me. i walked in the college's hallways and everyone AUTOMATICALLY looked at me with a really disgusted look and i just said ... hi? and after like three minutes i regretted going down to virginia. i actually cried cause i could have gone to the mall instead and had alot more fun than i did at virginia.

     well it started by the disgusted looks but what really set me off was when i went to the bathroom and remembered i had to ask my mom something i ran out of the bathroom and there was this asshole 30 year old sitting right next to the bathroom going like "oh dont worry it happens to everyone! the girls bathroom is over there!" i just glared at him and held my head up high and walked forward. and then i turned around and i saw a 40 year old woman commenting on my hair. wow what the hell? dont those middle-aged adults have anything more important to do than insult 15 year olds? i mean i am 15 years old. i am not an adult. they should know how to behave themselves. dumbfuckers.
     but oh well i walked upstairs with my mommy. but then we realized that we were going the wrong way and came dwnstairs.. and sat down next to the stupid guy and woman. so he decided to try and play mind games with me and said "oh im sorry i thought you were a girl!" and i was like "oh its okay i guess you really dont have a life so you have nothing better to do than to insult high-schoolers." and sat down and then he said "no, i really did!" and i was like "oh my god what the hell? with my shoulders? with my face? what the fuck are you talking about?" and then he tried to say other things but i kept telling him to shut up. i feel immature for doing that but whatever! he was being immature. but my mom believed him! she said "hey that wasnt nice!" and i was like "uhm he wasnt nice to me first?" and then she said that he really thought i was a girl.. what the hell? i'm 5'10 and i have enormous shoulders and i was wearing a tight shirt.. and i definitely dont have any boobs. how could he think i was a girl? uggh my mom is so naive sometimes.

     but then we met my mom's friend which wasnt at all too exciting. and her daughter too but i was totally self centered that day and forgot that my mom hadnt seen her friend in so long :/ i feel really bad for being so self-centered but oh well what happens happens! i kept being all antsy and asking my mom if she would take me to the mall even though it was 3 hours away.. and i.. RIGHT in front of my mom's friends said "oh my god i am so bored can i go on the subway?" and my mom yelled at me right there. im glad she did, i deserved it.

     her friend and her daughter were SOOOOOOOO conservative it disgusted me. i mean the daughter wouldnt even wear any make-up and that was just disgusting imho. cause i wear some makeup. it does wonders to my looks so i dont care. tell me that im fake and ill agree. but yeah i couldnt relate to them AT ALL. the daughter seemed a bit bratty too. the way she talked to her parents just made me cringe. cause if i talked to my parents like that i would get a beating. D:

     but yeah the way my mom described that college was 100% wrong. "conservative.. pacific.. nice.. dont care about looks.." HAHA what the hell, you know not caring about looks has to work both ways. because if your telling other people to stop wearing makeup its just as bad as telling other people to wear more makeup! if you really want to be someone who truly doesnt care about looks you would have to have it both fucking ways! get it? kgoodbye.

Sunday, 19 October 2008


  •  so i pretty much just about had the best fucking weekend ever. first i went to the mall.. at first it started out totally sucky and i was wondering why i even fought over going there.. and then i finally saw pj and then everything got so amazing. like everyone was talking to me. some kids i didnt even know. and this really cool kid was talking to me. i was so happy. i couldnt believe it. it felt like it was a dream.
     
     cause i was like in love with the kid for a long time and the kid like tells me to talk to the kid online tonight and he keeps talking to me and at the end the kid told me that they had to leave. i felt bad cause i should have walked up to him and gave him a bigg hug. but i just sat there cause this jerk was talking to me about how i never talk to her anymore and acting like i was such a horrible person cause she knew me for 5 years and i never made such a big effort to be friends with her as i did for the people i just met. I DID MAKE AN EFFORT. at first but then it FAILED. big time. jesus. but yeaah im so happy now. i cant wait to go to the mall this friday. hopefully the kid who i really like will be there. and we can actually have a convo in person. no, seriously i love the kid. i want to marry the kid. and have babies with the kid.

     you know whats stupid though? people go like "OMG LOOK THERES EVIDENCE OF THE ORIGINS OF LIFE! that soo means god isnt real!" uhhm, i mean.. whenever something talks about the origins of life.. they dont explain how the hell it all started. whenever they say that to me i go like "uhm, it doesnt even disprove god or anything. it just talks about the ORIGINS which does not mean god didnt start it all." you know what? i dont even really fully believe in everything about god. hes nto oh so fatherly. you know, when the bible was written the father figure back then was this loving person who was responsible and hard-working. he wasnt necessarily thinking of the father himself. it was a SYMBOL. and you know what else? i dont even really fully believe in the bible. what i do believe in, although.. is that something started this world. and that something was god. get the hell over it.

     i hate religious freaks. they go like OH MY GOD NO HE STARTED THE ENTIRE WORLD WITH A SNAP OF TWO FINGERS! you shut up! dont tell me otherwise omgomgogmgogmogmgogmgomg your going to hell! you know whats funny? how its so easy to tell a person who doesnt believe in ONE thing that he's going straight to hell. the other day a kid just fucking told me i could go to hell just for swearing. i would run him over with a car if i could. and he swears too himself? LOLOL seriously i laughed my ass off when he said that. cause i mean uhm.. god looks at every sin the fucking same. which means he looks at adultery just about as bad as lying.
     
     cause when you think more about it.. whats so bad about it? NO ITS NOT THE FACT YOU DID IT. its the fact that you didnt have enough willpower not to do it. thats why god shows us mercy. cause he knows we dont have enough willpower. its just a matter of willpower. how can you go to heaven if you dont have enough willpower to just.. not do ONE thing. so if you think more about it.. ITS NOT ABOUT THE SIN ITSELF. its about the willpower behind it all. the sin doesnt matter, the only thing that matters IS your willpower.

     so NONO, gays do not go hell. nono, blacks do not go to hell. wtf, someone actually asked me if they did through an email. anyways, adulterers do not go to hell just for being an adulterer. they MAY go to hell cause they didnt have enough willpower not to do the stupid sin. but you know, theres a reason they went to heaven as an adulterer. CAUSE THEY DIDNT REPENT THEIR SINS BEFORE THEY DIED. seriously, what do you have to lose? please just repent your sins right before you die. to be safe.
     if you refuse then you seriously are one stubborn idiot. you would have NOTHING to lose at that point.

     dear god, i am sorry for all the sin i might have put in this post.
     amen.

     okay thanks everyone for listening to my rantings :)
     
     BYEBYE. PEACE.

Thursday, 16 October 2008


  •  dude i crack my knuckles way too much. i was in my church's newsletter which is sent to over 1,000 people or something.. in the picture i was RIGHT there smiling.. with my hand all deformed because i was cracking my knuckles. it looks like i dont have my middle finger.. wow i need to stop cracking my knuckles so much.

     i was wondering... why does everyone say that its like impossible for someone to be psychic? i mean everyone knows there IS a spiritual world that is powered by the electric currents that go through our bodies.. will you tell me how the electric current just came in our bodies and powered us and made us everything we are? but anyways.. i believe that there are like certain bad electric charges in the spiritual world that has at least a little power in the world. i mean electric charges really do have power in the world. maybe when we die our electrical charges will just go somewhere. or we will just become the earth. this is a really depressing thought.
     i dont know, im just trying to figure out how heaven could be real. sometimes i just decide that its impossible but then.. i remember what god always says.. "i made the world... i made this universe.. have faith in me.. for everything is possible with me" something along those lines. we cant understand everything that goes on in the world. nor will we ever be able to. religion is one thing we are never going to understand and might as well just give it up.
     
     my sister sleeptalks and says the weirdest things ever. just now she screamed out "NO I DID NOT FORGET MY HETEROSEXUALITY" and last night she woke up and asked me if i ever had any sexual relations with some woman named cynthia barrett or something.. i dont remember what she said. i just know that it was so random and funny because i was sitting next to her fixing my stupid hair and she woke up so suddenly and asked me that and when i said yes she just went back to sleep. normally she would have killed me. :] just for being in her room.

     ive been playing a little game named moove.. just to take my mind off my beloved game .. the sims. moove doesnt come close to even being able to compare with the sims at all. but oh well, it is kind of fun. you get a nickpage which is like a myspace and you can download stuff and play with your characters. but alot of things cost money which i personally think is stupid.. why would i spend money just to have my character walk around my house looking all nice.. no, i dont mean my house in the physical sense. their house. but oh well, there are SOME sites that have free downloads. even though i could just easily do the clothes myself. the files are unbelievably simple. its actually pretty fun messing around making clothes for your little characters to strut around in :]
     even though i cant even go anywhere. i just have to stay in my house and hope that someone comes to my house. so fun dawwg. ahah, ill just try to get my friends into moove so we can like.. have sex in there :P

     i've been getting up way too early every night. i keep waking up at 3am and i just cant sleep so i just give up and walk around the house.. until my parents wake up and i have to do school which is like at 9am. i keep having really creepy dreams that i dont like at all. i have ALWAYS said that i like really terrifying dreams cause when i wake up im actually happy to be back in this horrible world. but those dreams are just horrible. they remind me of how mortal i am.. how my life could be ended in just a second.. maybe god's trying to give me a sign or something.. that someday im going to die and ill regret everything bad i ever did.. i mean, heaven or hell is eternity. way longer than how long we stay on this world.

     dreams like where i almost get killed or i do get killed. or something really horrible happening. like me realizing that there's something with me .. wherever i am.. like under a tunnel or something. you know whats weird though? you know how i live REALLY close to the haunted twin tunnels? well i went there one day.. curiosity got the best of me. i decided to go on the top of the tunnels and it was scarier than anything ive ever seen. i never understood how a person coiuld have hung herself on a branch.. over the hole? because there certainly wasnt any tree towering over the hole.. i went through the tunnel and got on the other side.. the side that faces wegmans.. i climbed it and it was the most difficult climb ever. because i couldnt get up there! there was this weird black soil that was soooo soft... like alot of dust.. you coldnt get a grip on it so you kept slipping. and it was SOO steep! nobody realizes how steep/high it is.. as soon as i got on the railroad i got so scared because it was so high off the ground... at least 100 feet. or more. so i walked to the hole.. i got the worst vibes EVER going down there.. horrible feelings..
     you know what i saw? a branch that was broken off the tree.. it was like put put diagonally on a corner of the hole.. so that must have been how the woman hung herself. it all made sense. i was going to go further but then i got the worst feelings.. ever.. so i deicded i had to get out of there.. and fast unless i wanted to mess some things up. i tried to get out but oh my god it was so hard! i was so scared i was ready to cry cause i couldnt get out of there. but then i did and had my mom pick me up. i refused to go through that tunnel .. on my bike. NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH. klater

     so thats all.. i have to do some stuff so LATER BABIES<3

Wednesday, 15 October 2008


  •   uhhm, so i was just reading this article.. now they're apparently trying to arrest the men who "took advantage" of intoxicated women who ended up consenting to sex just because.. at the time they couldn't make a decision and they took advantage of that? and they are trying to accuse men who had sex with their wives when they didnt want to but gave up?

     WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SOCIETY COMING TO. now you have to treat women like they're queens and put them up on a pedestal. im not so surprised as to the fact that the gay percentage has soaaaaaared.     because women come with too much shit to handle.  and we have to wait hand and foot and mend to every one of their needs and if we don't its neglect or abuse? I WILL NOT WAIT HAND AND FOOT ON MY WIFE. when i get a wife. marriage is all about fucking equality. it doesnt benefit one more than the other. that's what marriage is about. UNITY. get it? a man doesnt marry a woman and expect to have to cater to every one of her needs? and whats even stupider? if a guy does the same as a woman does. hes sexist. STUPID STUPID SLUTTY SKANKY FUCKING FEMINISTS. i hate them.

     i hate feminists.

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  • so im calebb. i'm a mean person im not going to lie. ill be nice to you at first but screw me over.. i will rip you apart. i love my xanga so much and it keeps me from going insane. i believe in astrology and think that my sign is the most interesting sign ever. i love people who can be serious but completely ridiculous at times. i love them. i have the best friends ever and i dont know what i would do without them. but to be honest they dont even compare with my parents. they help me with so much. especially my mom. she and i are like 100% alike. i have myspace, ask for it. add me.

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